The U.S. Census reported that in 2000, nearly 30 percent of all children lived in homes where their biological fathers were not present. According to 72.2% of the U.S. population, fatherlessness is the most significant social problem facing America.[1] An estimated 23.6 million children (32.3%) live apart from their biological father.[2] About 40% of children in father-absent homes haven’t seen their fathers at all during the past year; 26% of absent fathers live in a different state than their children; and 50% of children living absent their fathers have never set foot in their fathers’ homes.
As these children grow up into adulthood, they are plagued with many questions. Specifically, adult women struggle with the answer to questions such as “Why did my father leave?”, “Why didn’t he try to make any contact with me?” and “How can I relate to a man having never had a man in my life?” For many women, the answers to these questions have set them on a journey of unhealthy relationships, self-doubt, low self-worth and body image challenges. The internalized pain of being abandoned and never being affirmed by the first man in their life can manifest as biological and psychological disorders.[3] Additionally, the unconditional positive regard that fathers show their daughters (or the lack thereof) sets in motion a social and psychological developmental trajectory that can result in that daughter growing up to be a woman who lives a co-dependant, unhealthy life, or who lives a life rich with satisfaction and fulfillment. Most women would like to believe that the impact (or lack of impact) of a father has nothing to do with the type of woman they have become, however most researchers believe otherwise. [4] As fathers show unconditional positive regard to their daughters, daughters observe their fathers on a deeper level with expectations of the future. These futuristic expectations are grounded in four fundamental principles.
Positive Self-concept
Feeling confident in male-female relationships
Feeling safe with showing affection
Exhibiting healthy interpersonal skills
Each one of these principals is essential for raising healthy daughters who grow up to be healthy women.
The Male-Female Relationship
As we move through the stages of childhood development, our self-concept is usually shaped by our exposure to our first social environment, which is the family. Specifically, in the relationship with our fathers, we receive the opposite sex’s perspective of what to value or devalue in self and relationships, as well as what to accept or not to accept about self and others. This feedback is critically important to a young girl when it comes from her father, as this will act to shape most relationships with men in their lives.
Feeling safe with showing affection – In their relationship with a father, daughters need to know that it’s okay to show affection and feel confident in showing it. Daughters should be allowed to develop healthy boundaries and be themselves, without fearing any negative comments about their physical attributes. This will help them build strong self-images and crucial interpersonal skills.
Because healthy interpersonal skills are critical to lasting relationships, a father’s style of communication with his daughter is important. Research has shown that a father who has a rigid parenting style will lead their daughter to develop low self-esteem.[5] Additionally, a critical, father will lead his daughters to think that men are the enemy. As a result, she likely will not seek to negotiate or compromise in a relationship. Alternately, a fair father, one who listens to his daughter and encourages her individuality, will encourage his daughter to be confident and freely share her opinions. A healthy relationship with a father will teach daughters how to be assertive, rather than aggressive. By learning these principals from their father, there is a likelihood that daughters will cherish and respect themselves, know when a relationship is unhealthy and know what to expect in an emotionally and psychologically healthy man, partner or potential husband.
So, if the aforementioned fundamental principals are what a woman gains from a relationship with a father, how will she learn them if she does not have a relationship with her father? If this is the case, a daughter could possibly be ill-prepared for male-female relationships, which could lead her to have unrealistic expectations in relationships. The unconscious expectation can lead a woman to stay in unhealthy relationships longer than needed or to search out unhealthy individuals to meet those needs.
Self-concept is defined as how you see yourself in relation to others and the world. To foster a positive self-concept, one must believe that they are valuable and capable. This is not based on one’s outward appearance or external factors; a positive self-concept comes from within. A woman must know herself and be honest about her strengths and weaknesses. She must also love, respect and accept herself. Such acceptance also allows her to improve any aspect of herself that she deems necessary, leads her to take responsibility for her actions and choices, owning them fully. Her positive self-concept leads her to feeling safe in romantic relationships because she trusts herself, her choices and her decisions.
Interpersonal skills are all the behaviors and feelings that exist within all of us that influence our interactions with others. It includes communication, conflict resolution, anger management and assertiveness skills. A confident women is comfortable with showing affection because of her healthy interpersonal skills.
Positive Self-concept
Feeling safe in romantic relationships
Being comfortable with showing affection
Exhibiting healthy interpersonal skills
In examining the expectations of searching for one’s father, I have broken down the strategy into six concepts followed by two hypothetical outcomes. No matter why he made the decision to leave, your outcome does not have to be bleak.
Sorting out feelings regarding father alienation
Examine expected outcome, unmet needs or unfilled dreams
Reviewing history
Opening emotions:
Anger
Abandonment
Inferiority
Low self-worth
Co-dependency
Loneliness
Perfectionism
Negativism
Desperation
Disappointment
Depression
Own your feelings
Reject others’ feelings
Sort through unanswered questions and determine which are helpful to you.
If Contact with the Alienated Father is Made
The Question – Why?
Based on his answer, would your choices in life been different?
Will your choices be different now?
Owning your truth
After doing so, which emotion has dissipated, and which emotion has heightened
Is an ongoing relationship ideal?
If No: Review Emotions:
Disappointment
Abandonment
Self-worth
Trans-generational issues (what about my children or potential children?)
Anger
Failed Expectations
Misdirected Anger
Grieving loss of not having a father in the past or present
Denial, bargaining, anger; despair; acceptance
If Yes: Whose responsibility will it be to continue the relationship?
Reviewing what healthy boundaries look like
Reviewing your expectations
No Contact
The Question – Why?
Owning your truth
Ask yourself: Is there a difference?
Take an emotional check in – Which emotion has dissipated and which emotion has heightened?
Redefine or solidify your identity
Build self-worth
Grieving the loss of a relationship and unanswered questions
Denial; bargaining; anger; despair; acceptance
[1] Source: National Center for Fathering, Fathering in America Poll, January, 1999.
[2] Source: U.S. Census Bureau. Current Population Survey Reports. "Household Relationship and Living Arrangements of Children Under 18 Years, by Age, Sex, Race, Hispanic2004
[3] David A. Brent, (et. al.) "Post-traumatic Stress Disorders in Peers of Adolescent Suicide Victims: Predisposing Factors and Phenomenology." Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent
Psychiatry 34 (1995): 209-215.
[4] Forsman, L. (1989). Parent-child gender interaction in relation between retrospective self-reports on parental love and current self-esteem. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 30, 275-283.
[5] Connors, V. What is your parenting approach, May 18, 2009. http://www.suite101.com/content/parenting-style-a117311
Confused Identities. Boys who grow up in father-absent homes are more likely than those in father-present homes to have trouble establishing appropriate sex roles and gender identity
P.L. Adams, J.R. Milner, and N.A. Schrepf, Fatherless Children, New York, Wiley Press, 1984.
Hungry for Love. "Father hunger" often afflicts boys age one and two whose fathers are suddenly and permanently absent. Sleep disturbances, such as trouble falling asleep, nightmares, and night terrors frequently begin within one to three months after the father leaves home.
Alfred A. Messer, "Boys Father Hunger: The Missing Father Syndrome," Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality, January 1989.
Disturbing News. Children of never-married mothers are more than twice as likely to have been treated for an emotional or behavioral problem.
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, National Center for Health Statistics, National Health Interview Survey, Hyattsville, MD, 1988
