Why Moral Injury Is Important to Address in Recovery from Affairs/Betrayal

In consulting ChatGPT, Moral injury refers to the psychological, emotional, and spiritual distress that occurs when a person believes they have violated their moral code or witnessed actions that conflict with their ethical values. This concept is commonly associated with military personnel, healthcare workers, and others in high-stress professions who face situations where they must make difficult decisions that conflict with their sense of right and wrong. (AI definition)

Moral injury is different from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), though the two often overlap. PTSD is usually associated with physical or psychological trauma, such as combat exposure or a violent event, while moral injury is rooted in the violation of moral beliefs, often leading to feelings of guilt, shame, and betrayal of the self.

In light of the psychological, emotional, attachment, and sexual injuries of traumatic betrayal, Moral Injury can also be a phase for recovery.  There are occasions when the betrayer’s feelings of shame and guilt are connected with the act of betrayal they have caused that violated their values and spiritual beliefs, as well as the pain they see in their hurting partner.

Key Aspects of Moral Injury:

1. Violation of Moral Beliefs: Moral injury typically involves an individual either acting in a way that contradicts their values or witnessing others (e.g., leaders, peers, or institutions) do so.

2. Moral Dissonance: The emotional and psychological conflict arises because individuals feel they have done something wrong or failed to act in alignment with their values, often leading to a deep sense of inner turmoil.

3. Impact on Identity: Moral injury can significantly affect a person's sense of self, leading to a loss of trust in oneself and others. It can also challenge one's worldview and belief in the inherent goodness of people or institutions.

4. Emotional Consequences: Individuals suffering from moral injury may experience feelings of guilt, shame, anger, anxiety, sadness, and a sense of hopelessness. It can lead to emotional numbing or a desire to withdraw from social relationships.

5. Social and Spiritual Effects: The effects of moral injury are not just personal but can extend to relationships with others, including a sense of betrayal or loss of trust in institutions. For some, moral injury can challenge or disrupt their spiritual beliefs.

6. Low Mood – The impact of processing the disappointment of the self in connection with poor decision-making can initiate a course of negative distortion of the self and low feelings surrounding self-concept.

7. Heightened Anxiety – The inability to regulate as the self-distortion and negative ruminating thinking about self continues to be present, anxiety can present as speaking fast, feeling edgy, contradicting oneself and being flooded with emotions.

8. Identity Confusion – Because Moral Injury challenges the person to review their values and behaviors, the thoughts of “who am I”; “I wasn’t raised to hurt others”: “Does this mean that I am a bad person, or did I do something bad” continues to be at the heart of the feelings of profound shame.

Healing and Treatment:

The treatment of Moral Injury often requires a specific multi-dynamic approach that may include:

1. Therapy: Trauma-focused therapy, a narrative approach, and EMDR.  Narrative Therapy can help individuals process their emotions, reconcile their actions with their values, and rebuild a sense of moral clarity.

2. Emotional Focus Therapy:  Addressing the lack of language for the emotion in the room and finding alliance with the person’s values or between the couple’s values to begin the healing in the core attachment.

3. Carnes 30 Task Model:  Addresses the systemic, behavioral, and cognitive approach to reducing unwanted and compulsive sexual behaviors that cause betrayal in intimate relationships. 

4. Peer Support: Group therapy or support groups, where individuals share their experiences of moral injury and find solidarity with others who understand their pain, can be deeply healing.

5. Spiritual or Religious Support: For some, reconnecting with spiritual practices or a religious community can help them restore their sense of meaning, forgiveness, and reconciliation with their spiritual values.

6. Forgiveness and Self-Compassion: Learning to forgive oneself and, where appropriate, others is a crucial aspect of healing. Practices focused on self-compassion and acceptance of one's humanity, including mindfulness, can be helpful.

7. A psychodynamic approach is one where you look at underlining the unconscious meaning of the person’s behaviors and thoughts, as well as how their lived experience and family of origin connect.

Conclusion:

Moral injury is a profound personal psychological injury that can impact one’s sense of self, relationships, self-esteem, confidence, and overall well-being of how they present in relationships and the process at which they embrace healing.  Addressing Moral Injury related to betrayal in a relationship is critical to assist the person as they advance in the healing process.   

Self-Care After Betrayal

Self-Care After Betrayal

I have heard the saying, “Self-care is more than a mani and pedi.”  There is much to be said about how you feel after being pampered.  You feel calm, grounded, serene, loved, noticed, feminine, light, and acutely aware of your wonderful experience.  I love massages, mani and pedi, sitting on my wonderful patio, cutting flowers from my garden, looking up at the moon (the sun is not my favorite unless I’m on the beach walking in the sand ), shampooing my hair, the scent of my favorite body moisturizer as I put it on.  These are moments that give me joy and make my soul smile.

On the other hand, if you have experienced betrayal, self-care can feel very far away.  Holding raw emotions of loss, grief, sadness, disappointment, confusion, devastation, brokenness, rejection, loss of joy, and I can go on and on…  Betrayal leaves your heart broken in many pieces and joy seems very far away.  Self-care is the last thing on your mind.  How do you do self-care in the middle of feeling so much pain? 

I was once in Hawaii and walked on a path along the ocean every morning.  It was wonderful and refreshing.  On my third morning, I noticed there was a group of swans in the pond by the resort.  The first morning, there were only two swans, and then by the 3rd morning, there were three swans.  I stopped walking and gave attention (at a distance) to how the swans moved.  I was hoping to determine if they were a family of swans.  I noticed that the swan in the middle was floating along and had one leg up on its body while the other two swans circled the one in the middle.  I instantly knew the swans on the outside were protecting the middle swan as the middle swan was being cared for physical discomfort.  The swan in the middle continued to rest with one leg resting on its body.  By then, another walker had gathered with me, and we had a conversation about how protective the other two swans were of the one in the middle who needed care.  Still, the one who needed care took the time to give himself care. 

I pull in this experience because it takes time and awareness and other safe people around you to heal from betrayal as you do self-care.  Here are the points to consider for self-care after betrayal.

First, find a supportive therapist.  Find a therapist who knows the steps to recovery from betrayal.  Someone who has been trained in EFT is a CSAT and someone who understands loss, grieve and trauma and knows the difference between differentiation, enmeshment, and individualism, so the one who has been betrayed is not taking responsibility for the behaviors of the one who acted out the betraying.

Secondly, change your eating habits.  It is so important that when your body is holding raw emotions, you are attentive to how each part of your body feels.  Waking up every morning and doing a body scan (a body scan is noticing each part of your body and how you might be feeling), and journaling what you are feeling.  Remove all processed foods, drink plenty of water, and notice the difference between hunger and the heaviness of how emotions will rest in your body and cause discomfort. 

Third, do not be afraid to sit in difficult emotions and become curious about why the emotion is there.  Engage deep breathing, creating a calm place (a place that brings you calm feelings.  You may have been there before or it can be imaginary).  Do stretching often throughout the day.

Fourth, engage a safe circle of people to help you heal.  They do not have to know all the details of your journey or pain, but they should be trusted, reliable individuals who can support you with empathy and love.

Pray or meditate.  There is something about having a spiritual connection every day and always, but it is more noticeable and important during times of uncertainty and trouble.  Pray or meditate for clarity, direction, healing, guidance, and joy.  Remember, there are very few moments when you have to decide what to do next after a discovery or disclosure of betrayal.  Gift yourself time to heal and to feel whole again.  There is an ending to the acute pain.  You will enjoy a mani Pedi again and a massage.  You will enjoy the sun again.  You will feel joy again.  Hang in there!!

Holiday Guidelines

Suicide Prevention in Families

Suicide prevention in families

Our families are precious to us.  There are certain memories in families that warm our hearts.  These memories keep us strong, longing for connection and valuing one another.  Your family can be rich in generosity, abundant in love, great at forgiveness, and full of hospitality.  When your family gather, you can feel the connection.  It’s like that saying of taking a deep breath and kicking off your shoes.  Oh, families are so precious.

However, our families are also subject to hurt, pain, disappointment, generational patterns, sibling and parental conflict, loss, chaos and disconnection.  We can feel the disappointment and pain just as deeply as we feel the love and hospitality.  Unfortunately, there is no family that hasn’t experienced some level of pain and disappointment.  We have come to understand that in those trying moments, we are better standing together, then we are standing apart.

There is something about being close to someone you love, but yet not knowing they are suffering.  When loss by suicide happens in families, one of the thoughts that we try to make sense of is that the person was suffering and we did not know it.  We often hear statements that say, “I just talked to that person and they did not say a thing.”  “Why didn’t they say something.”  “I had no idea.”  These are all statements that indicate that there was a close relationship, but yet there was a lack of knowing the secret pain of another no matter how close.

Suicide is a leading cause of death in the United States.  According to the CDC, over 49,000 people died by suicide in 2022.  That is one death every 11 minutes.  Suicide impacts people of all races, SES backgrounds, families, friends and communities.  There is great stigma surrounding mental health, which increase the feelings of isolation, hopelessness and secretiveness.

Dying by Suicide is one of the most devastating events that can take place in a family. I encourage families who have experienced this level of loss to do great self-care by finding a licensed therapist to discuss their loss, and to attend family group therapy.

There are risk factors and protective factors to be aware of:

Major Risk factors:

-       Prior suicide attempt (s)

-       Misuse and abuse of alcohol or other drugs

-       Mental disorders, particularly depression and other mood disorders

-       Access to lethal means

-       Knowing someone who died by suicide, particularly a family member

-       Social isolation

-       Chronic disease and disability

-       Lack of access to behavioral health care

Risk factors can vary across groups:

-       Stress resulting from prejudice and discrimination (family rejection, bullying, violence) is known risk factor for suicide attempts among (LGBT) lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth.

-       Historical trauma suffered by Indigenous people contributes to the high suicide rate in this population.

-       For men in the middle years, stressors that challenge traditional male roles, such as unemployment and divorce, have been identified as important risk factors.

-        

It is also important to know the protective and precipitating factors so that you can build on them in the family.

Protective Factors:

Protective factors are personal or environmental characteristics that help protect people from suicide.

-       Effective behavioral health care

-       Connectedness to individuals, family, community, and social institutions

-       Life skills

-       Self-esteem and sense of purpose or meaning in life

-       Cultural, religious, or personal beliefs that discourage suicide

Precipitating factors and warning signs:

Precipitating factors are stressful events that can trigger a suicidal crisis in a vulnerable person.

-       End of relationship or marriage

-       Death of a loved one

-       An arrest

-       Serious financial problems

If you or anybody else is in need of help please don’t hesitate to call these numbers below:

1(800) 662-HELP(4357)

988 Suicide and crises lifeline (call or text 988)or chat (988lifeline.org)

1(800) 273-Talk(8257)

Nami Help Line 1(800) 950-6264

Empathy - The Bridge to Forgiveness after Intimate Betrayal

Empathy - The Bridge to Forgiveness after Intimate Betrayal

There are often times when we rush to forgiveness.  I call this “Cheap Forgiveness.”  Cheap Forgiveness is stating you have granted forgiveness without consciously making the decision to forgive.  Additionally, in Cheap Forgiveness, there is not enough time granted to allow one’s emotions to follow in agreement with the decision to forgive.  Sometimes this happens when we fear there might be spiritual or relational repercussions if we don’t forgive quickly.

Note, that there is a difference in making the decision to forgive and then having your emotions to follow.  This might feel like stating that you have made the decision to forgive, but then waking up the next morning with some of the same negative, hurtful feelings.  There must be a letting go of negative feelings before your emotions align with your decision.  That “letting go” might look like reviewing the hurt, recalling the incident, and thinking about the relationship and what it meant to you.  You might also experience waves of grief and loss as you notice where the pain is resting in your body.  You might also notice that your heart rate might increase as you think about the hurt.  Without walking through the above, you cannot get to empathy and you struggle with forgiveness. 

  Yes, forgiveness is a spiritual, active, relational, progressive experience; and it is also a very personal decision.   Let’s be fair, it is not easy.   Before you get to forgiveness, you must first empathize with the person who hurt you.  What will it take to get to empathy in the face of pain, anger, intimate betrayal and sadness?  How can you get to empathy when you believe the person who hurt you doesn’t deserve empathy?  How can you get to forgiveness when you were betrayed at the most intimate level of a relationship, and you discovered you were left standing alone?  How can you get to comprehend why this person betrayed you so you have a reason to walk the bridge of empathy?

 The Bridge to empathy might be difficult to build, but it is possible.  Here are the building blocks.

Block #1:   Do you know enough about the person’s history and where their pain could have originated from?  Reflect on the following three questions:

a.     What is the history of the person?

b.     What is in that history that would make them show up in deceptive ways?

c.     What would drive them to the place of deception?

 Block #2:  You also might want to reflect on how they might view themselves.  Do they operate from a place of self-distortion, or a place of grandiosity?   

a.     Do they see themselves as broken or unworthy?

b.     Do they see themselves as being entitled because they feel they should be able to choose how they want to live their lives, regardless of who it hurts?

Once you know the history of the person, you will find that the common factor of humanity becomes clear – none of us is perfect.  We are all struggling with something, and we are all in need of grace.

Block #3:  Having the courage to explore the pain surrounding the hurt and the connection that might be present because of the deceit and the betrayal.  The connection can be something as simple as a shared childhood experience or an assumption of a shared value.  There might also be shared lived experiences or a vastly different experience that reflect similar values.

Empathy is a bridge-building tool because we can’t get to forgiveness until we find a common ground in our humanity.  We can’t get to the other side of unforgiveness until we embrace and find the courage to look at the imperfections in our human lived experience, which is our shared experience.