Empathy - The Bridge to Forgiveness after Intimate Betrayal

Empathy - The Bridge to Forgiveness after Intimate Betrayal

There are often times when we rush to forgiveness.  I call this “Cheap Forgiveness.”  Cheap Forgiveness is stating you have granted forgiveness without consciously making the decision to forgive.  Additionally, in Cheap Forgiveness, there is not enough time granted to allow one’s emotions to follow in agreement with the decision to forgive.  Sometimes this happens when we fear there might be spiritual or relational repercussions if we don’t forgive quickly.

Note, that there is a difference in making the decision to forgive and then having your emotions to follow.  This might feel like stating that you have made the decision to forgive, but then waking up the next morning with some of the same negative, hurtful feelings.  There must be a letting go of negative feelings before your emotions align with your decision.  That “letting go” might look like reviewing the hurt, recalling the incident, and thinking about the relationship and what it meant to you.  You might also experience waves of grief and loss as you notice where the pain is resting in your body.  You might also notice that your heart rate might increase as you think about the hurt.  Without walking through the above, you cannot get to empathy and you struggle with forgiveness. 

  Yes, forgiveness is a spiritual, active, relational, progressive experience; and it is also a very personal decision.   Let’s be fair, it is not easy.   Before you get to forgiveness, you must first empathize with the person who hurt you.  What will it take to get to empathy in the face of pain, anger, intimate betrayal and sadness?  How can you get to empathy when you believe the person who hurt you doesn’t deserve empathy?  How can you get to forgiveness when you were betrayed at the most intimate level of a relationship, and you discovered you were left standing alone?  How can you get to comprehend why this person betrayed you so you have a reason to walk the bridge of empathy?

 The Bridge to empathy might be difficult to build, but it is possible.  Here are the building blocks.

Block #1:   Do you know enough about the person’s history and where their pain could have originated from?  Reflect on the following three questions:

a.     What is the history of the person?

b.     What is in that history that would make them show up in deceptive ways?

c.     What would drive them to the place of deception?

 Block #2:  You also might want to reflect on how they might view themselves.  Do they operate from a place of self-distortion, or a place of grandiosity?   

a.     Do they see themselves as broken or unworthy?

b.     Do they see themselves as being entitled because they feel they should be able to choose how they want to live their lives, regardless of who it hurts?

Once you know the history of the person, you will find that the common factor of humanity becomes clear – none of us is perfect.  We are all struggling with something, and we are all in need of grace.

Block #3:  Having the courage to explore the pain surrounding the hurt and the connection that might be present because of the deceit and the betrayal.  The connection can be something as simple as a shared childhood experience or an assumption of a shared value.  There might also be shared lived experiences or a vastly different experience that reflect similar values.

Empathy is a bridge-building tool because we can’t get to forgiveness until we find a common ground in our humanity.  We can’t get to the other side of unforgiveness until we embrace and find the courage to look at the imperfections in our human lived experience, which is our shared experience.

The Complexity Of Duality

The Complexity Of Duality

 There are phrases in the field of psychology that make a lot of sense.  The first one is “we can do hard things.”  This phrase was coined by Glennon Doyle, and it allows the person to see themselves within the context of taking on something that they thought they did not have the inner resources to accomplish.  Another phrase is “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”  This phrase was coined by Sigmund Freud and the gist of this phrase is that sometimes, regardless of what it might look like, we have to take things at face value.  The third phrase that I have learned how to live in is “two things can be true at the same time.  You can be angry and yet relieved, you can feel sadness and joy at the same time, you can experience good and evil at the same time, and you can also experience love and animosity at the same time.  You can hold these feelings, although they are on the opposite ends of a spectrum of emotion, as you stand in the awareness of knowing why those feelings are present.  This is known as duality.  Both of the opposing feelings in each of the examples above do not have to stay in opposition.  They can coexist as you learn how to hold both opposite feelings without having to choose one over the other in the moment.  You can arrive at a place of peace by accepting that you have the emotional capacity to hold them both and to feel okay in the moment.  Sometimes things are just what they are.  No further analysis needed.  Just as there was a beginning, there is also an ending.

 Learning to become comfortable with being uncomfortable as you hold opposite feelings at the same time can be a challenge.  So, here are some thoughts on how to move through it to the end. 

 1.     Understand that opposites are interdependent, and cannot exist without each other.  Although, sadness and joy feel so different, you are only able to know joy is present because you have experienced sadness.  Although they are different and opposing, they are on the same spectrum. 

2.     Know that the opposing feelings require validation.  Your sadness will require that you acknowledge that sadness is present and you might have to expand your emotional window of tolerance to accompany other emotions that can come up in the moment.  You will also need to validate joy (or the opposing feeling).  As joy could be the manifestation that sadness might be coming to an end or that the end has already happened.

3.     Work to expand your emotional tolerance so you can gain capacity to hold the opposing feelings for as along as you need to.  Not rushing through what is true for you, but reflecting on the emotions and why they are present. 

 How to expand emotional capacity can be a learning curve.  First, notice where the emotion lands in your body.  Secondly, rate the emotion on a scale of 1 to 10.  If it’s higher than a 5, you might want to take a deep breath and pause for a moment. After the pause, continue to do deep breathing until the emotion subsides.  Do not re-investigate the emotion at this time, but finish the moment out by closing out with deep breathing and promising yourself that you will return to this moment when you feel better.  If it’s lower than a 5, investigate why the emotion is there by asking yourself the questions of “what do I feel and why am I feeling this?”

 4.     Keep in mind that opposing views will not always be present.  You will move to a more settled, peaceful place as you gain more insight about your emotions, body sensations and thoughts.

 Two opposing views can be true at the same time.  It is okay in the moment and noticing your feelings and thoughts about the opposing views is all that is needed in the moment.  What is true … this will pass.

It’s Spring Time!!

 We are only as strong as where we are planted (1 Cor 3:6-11).

 The other day, I drove into my driveway.  I knew it was Spring because I have the most beautiful, fragrant Lilac Trees aligned on the left side of the driveway.  As you enter the backyard, there are two more Lilac Trees in the back.  The fragrance draws you in as if you are walking a path of great peace and harmonious existence.  My old English Tudor is 100 years old (-/+).  It has so much character.  I call this place home.  This is where I have learned to go to take a deep breath, to rest, to cry, to share, to entertain, to love and to be courageous and generous.  This is where every plant I have in the backyard has a story.  My Peony bushes keep getting larger and larger, my hydrangea bush grew from a 2lb container to a tree that is about 20 feet tall, my hummingbird bush continues to get more branches and, yes, my black eyed Susan’s keep seeding and popping up everywhere in the yard.  I have struggled with Tulips at my house.  The squires eat the bulbs before they take root.  But this year, I think I was successful.  I now have beautiful tulips growing in the front and back of the house.

 I believe this house has been one of the sources of my strength for this season. This is where God has planted me for the past 20 something years. The house that God has blessed, graced and has allowed to become a place of healing and refuge for me, my family and many others who have come and sat in front of the fireplace with me and have shared tears with me. This house speaks to me when I walk in. Even the days when things have been chaotic, the house still beckons to me with a spirit of peace and love. As if it was intentionally built for me and the ones I love and those who love me. This 100-year-old house is strong, warm and inviting. The Spirit of the Lord draws me in to peace, joy and love. This is the place I call Home Sweet Home.

Reframing -- A Necessary Tool

REFRAMING -- A NECESSARY TOOL

Reframing is a psychological concept that involves changing the way an individual perceives, interprets, or thinks about a situation, event, or experience. It is a cognitive restructuring technique aimed at altering the meaning or context of a particular situation to bring about a shift in one's perspective.  This therapeutic approach is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is one of the most respected modalities in the field of psychology.  The concept of reframing has roots in various psychological and therapeutic approaches.  Aaron Beck and Albert Ellis, two well-respected psychologists, are attributed as the thought leaders behind the concept of reframing.  They emphasized the role of thoughts and perceptions in influencing emotions and behavior and moving away from a maladaptive thought pattern that usually leaves us in negative thought spaces.

The idea behind reframing is that the way we interpret events or situations can significantly impact our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. By reframing, individuals can change their mental perception, leading to a more positive or constructive outlook.

Therefore, when using the concept of reframing, we can get a better handle on negative thoughts and steer our emotions for a better outcome. 

There are several types of reframing, including:

1.    Contextual Reframing: Changing the context or setting in which an event is viewed can alter its meaning.

2.    Content Reframing: Changing the way information is presented or emphasizing different aspects of a situation can lead to a shift in perception.

3.    Relevance Reframing: Identifying different ways in which a situation might be relevant or meaningful can provide a new perspective.

4.    Outcome Reframing: Shifting the focus from potential negative outcomes to potential positive outcomes.

Life can be difficult and sometimes there is no other answer, but to look at the situation differently.  When I think of reframing, I think of taking a beautiful piece of art and changing the frame.  When the frame is changed, one gets a different perspective.  Certain colors might be illuminated, while other colors might blend in.  There might be a contrasting aspect of the frame standing out in a room.  One thing is true, the frame changes the appearance of a beautiful piece of art. 

How do we adjust, adapt, or deal with unwanted, negative, hurtful information?  Reframing will help us move through the pain to a healthier outcome.  Think of it this way, the art will stay the same, but a new frame might help us to see where it can be located differently on the wall.  That bad event will still be a bad event, but if we reframe the event by taking opportunities for personal growth or by bringing the family closer together, reframing what was once viewed as a negative event will turn into a positive event.

 We know that life can be awfully beautiful.  There are ups and downs, ease and struggle, pain and pleasure, and joy and sorrow.  But at the very end, it’s the same piece of beautiful art (life!) and all it needs is a different frame from time to time to see it differently and to move through the difficulty.  Use all the tools you need to change the frame – your imagination, good self-care, wonderful support, your spiritual connection, people who love you, and most of all hope.  Hope for the journey ahead that will require every resource you have.

Beck, A.T (1988) Love is Enough. New York: Harper & Row

The work of Dr. Albert Ellis. http://www.rebtnetwork.org/library/ideas.html