The Complexity Of Duality
There are phrases in the field of psychology that make a lot of sense. The first one is “we can do hard things.” This phrase was coined by Glennon Doyle, and it allows the person to see themselves within the context of taking on something that they thought they did not have the inner resources to accomplish. Another phrase is “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” This phrase was coined by Sigmund Freud and the gist of this phrase is that sometimes, regardless of what it might look like, we have to take things at face value. The third phrase that I have learned how to live in is “two things can be true at the same time. You can be angry and yet relieved, you can feel sadness and joy at the same time, you can experience good and evil at the same time, and you can also experience love and animosity at the same time. You can hold these feelings, although they are on the opposite ends of a spectrum of emotion, as you stand in the awareness of knowing why those feelings are present. This is known as duality. Both of the opposing feelings in each of the examples above do not have to stay in opposition. They can coexist as you learn how to hold both opposite feelings without having to choose one over the other in the moment. You can arrive at a place of peace by accepting that you have the emotional capacity to hold them both and to feel okay in the moment. Sometimes things are just what they are. No further analysis needed. Just as there was a beginning, there is also an ending.
Learning to become comfortable with being uncomfortable as you hold opposite feelings at the same time can be a challenge. So, here are some thoughts on how to move through it to the end.
1. Understand that opposites are interdependent, and cannot exist without each other. Although, sadness and joy feel so different, you are only able to know joy is present because you have experienced sadness. Although they are different and opposing, they are on the same spectrum.
2. Know that the opposing feelings require validation. Your sadness will require that you acknowledge that sadness is present and you might have to expand your emotional window of tolerance to accompany other emotions that can come up in the moment. You will also need to validate joy (or the opposing feeling). As joy could be the manifestation that sadness might be coming to an end or that the end has already happened.
3. Work to expand your emotional tolerance so you can gain capacity to hold the opposing feelings for as along as you need to. Not rushing through what is true for you, but reflecting on the emotions and why they are present.
How to expand emotional capacity can be a learning curve. First, notice where the emotion lands in your body. Secondly, rate the emotion on a scale of 1 to 10. If it’s higher than a 5, you might want to take a deep breath and pause for a moment. After the pause, continue to do deep breathing until the emotion subsides. Do not re-investigate the emotion at this time, but finish the moment out by closing out with deep breathing and promising yourself that you will return to this moment when you feel better. If it’s lower than a 5, investigate why the emotion is there by asking yourself the questions of “what do I feel and why am I feeling this?”
4. Keep in mind that opposing views will not always be present. You will move to a more settled, peaceful place as you gain more insight about your emotions, body sensations and thoughts.
Two opposing views can be true at the same time. It is okay in the moment and noticing your feelings and thoughts about the opposing views is all that is needed in the moment. What is true … this will pass.
